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Standing Ovation (alternate titles include: Where in Sammi discovers the true meaning of “rip you a new one”, and: the day my girlfriend ripped my vagina off)

July 30, 2009

I am standing up as a type this.
Because of Mary.
She took advantage of me today and now I can’t sit down.
I guess you could call this a standing ovation, of sorts.
Just without the clapping.
Because that’s one thing I definitely am not doing right now.


Back to the bit where Mary took advantage of me:

My darling girlfriend is a ‘hardcore’ lesbian.
Meaning she has been with girls since forever.
I am also hardcore (sometimes mistaken as having a pole stuck up my arse by dickwipes who wouldn’t know hardcore if it crawled up their arse and died)
But when it comes to girls I have to admit to being all sickly and marshmallow soft like.
Because when it comes to girls:
Mary is my first.

Now, gay straight or eternally fucking twisted,
We can all relate to having moments of weakness.
Moments where partners play their dominant hand,
The: “I’m more experienced than you,”
Or the: “You’re very very very drunk, aren’t you?”
Or the: “I’m stronger than you,”
Or the: “I know something you don’t know,”
Or the: “I have something you don’t want the police to see,” (what, just me then?)
Or the: whatever.

In some way, shape, or form,
We have all been to the place where we get taken advantage of.

It’s a place that I visit quite frequently,
Because when it comes to lesbian stuff,
Mary knows way more than me.

So today:
She approaches me with a jar of something that smells half fruity and half medical “keep that shit away from me”
And I SO should have trusted the second half,
But then she smiles all “I’m going to make you cum so hard you forget your own fucking name for 45 minutes” like,
And says, “You know what would be really hot? If you got a brazillian…”

I am all:
No fucking way.
I’m an Aussie.

And she is all:
And *sex*

I know.
She totally took advantage of me.

So I am lying on the bathroom floor,
One pony tail and tulips (say it slowly) away from a true birthday suit,
And Mary enters with the keep that shit away from me medical fruit smelling pot of liquid evil, cotton strips and silk ties.
I have second and third and fourth and fifth and a fucking gazillion thoughts
And while I am thinking she ties my hands together and ankles to the plumbing pipes.
Which under normal circumstances would be super hot,
Except for liquid evil that she is spreading over my beloved Aussie bush AND

Which is fucking hard to sign with both hands tied together, let me tell you.

But I must have managed to get it across,
Because right before she tore me a new one,
Mary said, “Oh cum on, don’t be such a pussy!”

Then just to prove her point she tore my pussy from my body.

One strip at a time.

There was blood.

And tears.

And if it were not for the promise of 45 minutes where in I cum so hard I forget my own name,
Mary would never be allowed near this bush loving Aussie chick,
Ever, EVER, again.


So this standing ovation is not for Mary,
It’s for my tulips.

Cruelly ripped from my body by the hardcore bitch I call my girlfriend.
May they rest in peace forever more.


10 Comments leave one →
  1. July 30, 2009 8:46 pm

    A bush loving Aussie CLOWN, more like!!!
    Now darling, get your arse off my couch and my frozen peas off your tulips before I give Mary a tens unit for her birthday.

  2. July 30, 2009 8:57 pm

    I can’t stop laughing.
    I know that’s bad.
    I am sorry – but –
    I can’t stop laughing.

  3. July 30, 2009 9:03 pm

    Can’t wait to hear what you think of for payback!

    I had one of those once… for a boyfriend. I stupidly went for the appointment wearing jeans… MAN was I in agony afterwards! I had to go straight to the school to pick up my kids and one of the other parents saw the way that I was walking and came straight up to me and said “Oh… I bet you’ve just had a brazilian!”

    An experience I could have lived without.

  4. July 30, 2009 10:22 pm

    Oh My!

    I just got an edumacation!

    Hope your tulips flower again soon.

  5. July 31, 2009 10:13 pm

    I just hope she kissed your tulips better for you 🙂

    And now you have been through that did she also let you know that you will be driven to madness as it begins to regrow because 1) there is an itchy stages (lasts about 7 – 10 days) and then there is 2) the pre-orgasmic stage where for another 7 – 10 days you are permanently at the stage just those few seconds prior to orgasm. Gotta love the regrowth lol

  6. July 31, 2009 10:15 pm

    PS Love the Georgia O’Keeffe

  7. August 2, 2009 6:03 am

    ROFL! Oh and by the way if Al ever invites me for dinner, can someone remind me not to eat frozen vegetables from her freezer!

  8. sammispeaks permalink*
    August 2, 2009 8:33 am

    Al: You tease now.
    But Mary says you’re next.

    Rhubarb: Lucky you’re cute.

    Fe: Payback.. Now there’s a thought!
    I still cannot wear knickers let alone jeans!

    Tiff: I hope you’re a visual learner not a kinesthetic type!

    Mountaingirl: Mary is on kissing duties for the next 8-10 weeks.

    M&B: Oh come on! It’s not like you’d find a hair in your peas!

  9. August 6, 2009 5:35 pm

    I can’t breathe. OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. August 17, 2009 10:43 pm

    Chick Im with u

    My (male) C. wants a brazillian… and i have shaved naked… but no way… I am not getting torn apart for nothing… he can go first…

    then he shaves his bits… and Im like WTF…. then realise its so I will say ‘Its cool babe I will have my god given, well grown hair dragged out” (which took me twenty years to grow just right)

    Na give me a natural guy or gal for that matter

    love Abz

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